What Consequences Should There Be For Teenage Daughter's Drinking?
My 16-year-old daughter is a great student and works part-time. She has NEVER given me any problems before. I just found out that she was drinking last Saturday night with friends and I believe they were driving around. I haven’t confronted her yet because I am not sure how to best handle the situation. She is due to get her own license in two weeks. Please give me some tips on how to handle this – should I ground her? Not allow her to get her license? Call the parents of her friends?

-- Anonymous  

I generally recommend a very deliberate intervention in situations such as this.  The consequences of underage drinking and drinking and driving can be devastating, even if she is a great student and responsible worker.  As a first step, talk to your daughter about your concerns and suspicions. I always recommend pointing out to kids that underage drinking is illegal and that you do not tolerate breaking the law.  Your daughter may deny everything so this will be an opportunity to spell out the consequences of underage drinking and drinking and driving. Let your daughter know that drinking is unacceptable and be sure to communicate to her what your expectations are and what the consequences will be for violating them.  When you deliver consequences make sure that this is done as unemotionally as possible and precisely as you had spelled out.  If there is continued dangerous and illegal activity I actually recommend tipping off law enforcement -- as you may be saving your child’s life by bringing severe consequences to bear.  Certainly consequences should be graduated but do not give up or stick your head in the sand.  

 

Editor's Note: To learn more tips and conversation starters about how to have the conversation with your daughter go to www.timetotalk.org. <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

 

 

Is Tough Love for Meth-Addicted Daughter the Right Thing to Do?
My daughter started using marijuana at 16 and now, at 23, she is a meth addict. We don’t recognize her any longer because of what the drug has done to her. She was recently arrested and has spent the last 6 weeks in jail. I am actually somewhat relieved knowing she is not getting high everyday and not engaging in her high-risk lifestyle -- yet being in jail is not the life she deserves. I have offered her another chance to accept help when she is released from jail by going to an inpatient facility. If she does not accept, the only option available for her will be the streets, as she will have no place to go back to since she was recently evicted. I cannot let her live with me because she will bring drugs into my home and has emotional outbursts which make for a very stressful and unhappy home life. She has no job, no insurance, no means to make a living and I feel so scared for her. I just need some guidance to make sure I'm doing the right thing for her, even if it means turning my back on her. How can I make sure the transition, from jail to rehab, goes right? I think this will be my last chance to help her.

-- Sophia  

Situations like this are so very difficult and painful.  It would not be right for me to give you specific instructions, as I do not know your daughter.  I can say that your plan for treatment is an excellent one.  You should expect that she would need to be sustained in a structured treatment environment such as sober living or a residential treatment center for at least 12 months preferably 24 from the sounds of her case.  The other essential ingredient in your daughter’s treatment is your participation in a codependency treatment program such as Alanon.  There you will develop the capacity to actively disengage with love rather than allow the disease so thoroughly to overwhelm you and your family that you simply throw in the towel.  <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

 

How Can I Overcome My Rx Addiction?
About a year and a half ago I went to the dentist and was given a prescription for Vicodin. I immediately loved it and took it every day until it was gone. Then I began to take Percocets every other day for about six months. Soon I started using Oxycontin and have been using it every day for the last two months. After watching your show, Celebrity Rehab, I know I need help. I have tried to quit and have experienced cold sweats, nausea, headaches and weakness – it’s horrible. I don’t have insurance and don’t know what to do to stop using. Do you have any advice for someone like me?

-- Anonymous  

This is one of the most challenging features of treating addiction today in America.  Treatment is expensive, especially if you do not have insurance. Treatment takes many months and often requires intensive professional services and there are few resources for the average person with which to access this care.  In your case you clearly suffer from severe opiate/opioid addiction. 

 

There are two basic approaches to this problem.  The first approach is to medically detox you from opiates then maintain you in a structured drug-free environment for several months while you establish your sobriety.  Hopefully there would be professional services to manage any co-occurring conditions such as depression, anxiety or medical issues. The other approach is to expect that without a lot of resources and a profound commitment to establish sobriety it is unlikely that an individual with a story such as yours will achieve sustained sobriety and it is very likely that this disease will harm you, might cause you to harm others, and possibly kill you.  As a result there are those that advocate a risk reduction strategy of placing opiate addicts on replacement opiates such as methadone or suboxone. 

 

There are often resources for both approaches in every community; however, the depth and amount of available treatment resources vary greatly from community to community. They are often hard to find but they are usually there.  As a first step check out the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration’s (SAMHSA) Treatment Facility Locator.  Just enter your city and state and you will get a list of treatment programs in your area.  You can also go to a Narcotics Anonymous (NA) meeting and ask people you meet there about quality treatment options. Visit the Narcotics Anonymous website for more information and and how to locate meetings in your area.

 

Should We Drug Test Our Son?
I have a hunch that my 16-year-old son has been smoking pot with his friends. He says he hasn’t but I’m not sure I believe him. He came home from a friend’s house with bloodshot eyes, chewing a wad of gum (to cover up his breath?) and incredibly hungry (munchies?). My gut tells me to drug test him. What are your thoughts on drug testing? If I do test him, do you recommend a home kit or should I take him to the doctor to be tested? And what if the test confirms that he actually hasn’t been using drugs -- will I have broken our trust? Any comments you might have on this subject would be great!

-- A Suspicious Mom  

Suspicious Mom,

 

The two most important refrains that I find myself repeating to parents again and again are first, trust your instincts and secondly never say “not my kid.”  It certainly sounds as though your instincts are telling you something loud and clear in this case and thankfully you don’t seemed steeped in the denial that some of us fall in -- that something like this could never happen to our own kids. 

 

First try to validate your instinct.  Evaluate the likelihood that your instinct is correct.  An important question to ask yourself is what the family history of your child is.  If you, your husband, the child’s grandparents or extended family has a history of alcoholism or addiction there is a good chance that the child could inherit that predisposition.  In this age group the most common drugs abused are alcohol and marijuana.  Also, have you noticed any unusual changes in your child -- changes that you might miss if you don’t stop and think about it?  For instance has he recently found new friends and left old perhaps better peers behind, has there been any change in dress, diet or sleep patterns, or a drop in grades?  Any of these changes would warrant an evaluation by a professional (such as a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, or a substance abuse counselor).

 

I am very much in favor of urine drug screening because it is the only objective test we have to detect this dangerous condition but I think it is better to get the child to a professional if you have real suspicions. Not only does this avoid a power struggle, but it is better to have a professional administer and interpret the test results.  You raise a good point, what if he is not using drugs and I have broken our trust.  If you do decide to have him tested, let him know you’re concerned about his safety and health and the recent changes in his behavior. 

 

 

How Can We Help a Child Who Doesn't Want Help?
Two years ago my child lost two very close friends two weeks apart from each other. Prior to losing his friends my child was a star student and athlete. A little under a year after the death of his friends, my son dropped out of school and started having problems with anger. We then found out he was using pot and alcohol. We have tried talking with him on numerous occasions to no avail. We thought counseling would help, but he refuses to go. I am concerned that the drug use is becoming a daily ritual; he says it is the only way he can get through his day. My heart breaks because although I try to help, I don’t know how you can help a child that doesn’t want help. I feel as though my son died the day his buddies died two years ago--I just get to still see the shell of mine. I love him with all of my heart. Do you have any suggestions on how to talk to him or what to do? Thank you for your help.

-- Anonymous  

Make no mistake about it -- this sounds like full-blown addiction. In my experience in cases like this, the patient’s future and possibly life depends upon getting into treatment. Depression is clearly a prominent feature of his syndrome so there should be physicians available at whatever facility you choose who are skilled at treating depression and addiction. I would recommend considering hiring an interventionist to get him in to treatment. If you do not have resources available then my experience has been that the identified patient has the highest probability of getting in to treatment when important relationships attend a co dependency 12 step program like Alanon. This is not a casual recommendation. If someone you love will not get help, often your only option is to disrupt the dance in which you engage with the patient. A genuine detachment with love will often catch their attention and begin to motivate them to get help. This will only happen when these important relationships attends meetings, obtains a sponsor and works steps. What you need to do in situations like this will run counter to every fiber in your being. You will need support from someone who has been there to handle this situation effectively.

 

How Do We Stop Our Daughter From Abusing Cough Medicine While at College?
I am so scared. My daughter is in the beginning of her second year at college. I noticed last year when she would call me that her speech was slurred. She said she was just tired so I let it go. This summer she drank an entire bottle of Robitussin, passed out and had to be taken to the emergency room. She then went to brief counseling. Once she returned to school, she did it again and again. School has been in session three weeks and she has already been to the emergency room again. She is going to start counseling at the University twice a week, but they only offer twelve sessions. We are then planning on having her undergo counseling off campus. I am worried that she uses DXM because she is under the impression that it is less harmful than other drugs. She doesn’t want to leave school and wants to get help while she’s there. Because she is 20, I feel it is ultimately her decision. Should we have insisted that she return home? Should we not pay for school? Or, do you think it is possible for her to get help while still in school? Please help.

-- Anonymous  

It has been my experience that in cases like this you have every reason to be frightened. This is a very serious situation. First of all your daughter needs to see a psychiatrist or psychologist with experience treating young people with drug abuse and addiction. I cannot tell what is going on here, but I can tell you that she needs a thorough diagnostic work up. I had a very fine professor in medical school who pounded into my head, “no diagnosis, no treatment.” This is to say unless you have an accurate diagnosis you cannot expect to be able to successfully apply the appropriate treatment because you literally you don’t know what you are treating. Your daughter is at least abusing dangerous substances. It sounds like there may be a mood disorder as well. If there is a family history of addiction of alcoholism then you should strongly suspect that this in fact is likely to be addiction. Whether or not she can be treated without leaving school depends upon the final diagnostic impressions. It sounds to me like she would be best served by taking some time off school and having a thorough assessment in a drug treatment center.

 

 

What Happens When Our Child's Friends Start Experimenting?
My 15-year old daughter is a good girl. We have a very open relationship and I believe her when she tells me that she does not use drugs. She hangs out with a very tight group of girls – mostly just like her. A few, however, have definitely started to experiment with drugs, alcohol and boys. These girls have been her best friends since they were seven years old – I’m practically a second mother to all of them. I know the right thing to do here would be to tell my daughter not to spend her time with these bad influences, but I don’t know how to do that when she has such rooted friendships with these kids. What should I do? Should I talk to their parents? Should I make my daughter stay away, even though it would break her heart? My biggest fear is that she starts to get curious and want to start participating. Please help!

-- Anonymous  

Based on my experience in situation like this I would have some concerns. I am not insisting that your child is necessarily in trouble, but I must tell you that the scariest words that I hear from parents’ mouths are, “not my kid.” I am delighted that you and your daughter share an open and communicative relationship, but I have yet to meet a 15-year old that can be completely and totally honest with his or her parents. It is simply not something that they can muster at that age. Think of yourself at that age. Could you have been completely forthcoming with everything that was coursing through your mind at that time? Trust but verify.

 

Am I Developing a Drinking Problem?
I am scared I might develop a drinking problem. I am 18 years old and probably drink three times a week. Alcoholism runs in my family, so I am aware that the chance that I will become an alcoholic is high. I drink frequently, I drink when I am alone and it’s definitely something I like to do and look forward to doing. I don’t want to stop drinking totally – I’m in college and like it or not, it’s a big part of my social life, but I feel like I should cut down. Is it possible for me to drink socially, but not become an alcoholic? Am I already past this point? How can I watch out for myself?

-- Anonymous  

Unfortunately the reality is that if you are an alcoholic there is no way to reliably moderate your drinking.  As you say, your risk for this condition is considerable given that it is in your family genetic heritage.  Alcoholism is progressive disorder, marked by progressive consequences from the relationship with alcohol.  There will be more trouble ahead -- I have no doubt.  I understand your ambivalence about giving up alcohol.  This is one of the more challenging problems I encounter in my treatment center; trying to get young people to give up drugs and alcohol.  They believe that they will miss out on something that they are entitled to.  I assure you that the benefits of stopping far outweigh any potential for “missing out.”

 

How Do I Give Up Cocaine?
I first started using drugs when my best friend died. I thought it was the only way of taking away my pain. Well, it did, but I lost more friends because I was doing drugs. I thought that my friends were joking about not being friends with me anymore, but they weren't. Now I hang out with the people who do the kind of drugs I do but whenever I see my old friends I know if I quit they'll be my friends again. That's if they forgive me. But it's so hard and my parents fight with each other and yell at me all the time So I don't know what to do...I think I'll just do some coke and I'll feel better. It's so hard to quit that I don't know if I can. Can you help me please?

-- Anonymous  

It is hard to give up drugs and alcohol. You use them because they work. Sounds like they’ve been the old friend you could always count on to make you feel better. The problem is that your new friends, drugs and alcohol, have a dark side. They set up changes in brain that disrupt the system that normally establishes motivational priorities. How we prioritize things in our lives is set up in a deep brain system. It involves very powerful drives such as survival, obviously an important priority. But when addiction gets going, this system is broken. People with addiction progressively suffer a series of losses because drugs and alcohol assume a greater priority in their life.

Ultimately addicts lose their health and often even their lives as the drugs and alcohol become a more priority than even survival itself. Other drives break away and the drive to use usurps all others. Friends are only the first of the losses to be suffered as addiction progresses. Family, work and ultimately health are lost. At your stage you can always find other friends as you lose your non-using friends. You will especially discover it’s easy to find those who will go along with you on your path to addiction. Stop the process now before it becomes worse. Find someone who has experienced treating addiction or just get out to a 12-step meeting.

 

How Do I Say No to Drugs if My Dad Did Them?
My dad used to be into some pretty heavy drugs – cocaine, heroin, pretty much anything. The worst part was that my little sister and I would always see